So. …Hey. Been a while, hasn’t it? Yeah, yeah I know. Inexcusable! What sorry excuse for a writer just drops off the face of the planet for five months and then comes crawling back acting like nothing has happened?! Listen, man. Things have been nuts. I could tell you stories. And in a moment, I probably will. Tangents are my forte, after all.
See, I have this one really, really bad habit that I’ve been struggling with for years. When I get stressed, and I mean really stressed, I do this thing where I completely withdraw from society, shun all my social interactions and avoid talking to people to the point where I start to get concerned “hey are you still alive” text messages from the lucky few who have had to put up with my shit in years past.
I figure that you, the four people who read this, should probably know that I have a tendency to do these things, since odds are this one, bad habit will probably be responsible for content shortages in the future. Not that the content flow around here was ever consistent, since I’ve been on a pretty strict “whenever I feel like it” schedule around here.
It all started on New Year’s Eve.
Wait shit, when was the last time I actually updated? …. It all started in early December. Sure.
There I was, estatic that cyber thugs were trying to gain access to Five Degrees of Tophat, feeling much like Steve Martin in The Jerk as he beheld his name in the phone book for the first time, unaware that LIFE I mean a disgruntled would-be serial killer had selected his name at random from that very tome. … God, I hope at least one person gets that reference.
The downside of this is that on my best days I’m not the most trusting person that has ever lived. While I was glad that a party of techno-savy cyber crooks (depicted in my head as 1990s style super-rad, amazingly stylish kids that Hollywood thinks makes up the hacker population) had taken notice of my blog, the fact remained that they tried to steal something from me. Anonymously. That kind of thing can really mess with the head of a socially paranoid man with a tendency to hide from basic social situations.
So, I did the only logical thing, that I’m sure everyone who is placed in my situation would do: I sent an email to Hackz0rz@FuckYourShit.net to get the scoop from them directly. I took some time to compose my thoughts, and then summoned up every ounce of my writing talents to compose an email. It went something like:
“WAT U DOING GET OUT MY COMPUTER HATE UR DUMB FACE THIS IS MAH COMPS I USE IT FOR SCIENCE OKAY NOT SCIENCE BUT DEF ENTERTAINMENT QUIT BEIN SUCH DICKHOLES!!!!!!!!!11 WHAT IS UR FAVERITE DINOSAUR MY IS RAPTORS.”
A few hours later, incredibly, I received a response. It said just said six words:
“we are coming for you.”
“We are coming for you, dude.”
What’s that? Of course I’m not making this up as I go along. If this was a tweet, and if I actually had a Twitter account, I would end this story with a #totallylegit. That means its true. Right? Right.
So anyway, I was all “pfff, yeah sure,” and went to bed because sleep is amazing, but then I woke up the several days later in the back of an abandoned van in the middle of New Mexico, missing a kidney and half of my liver.
Here’s the bad thing about New Mexico: Cyborg coyotes and laser cactus. Or is that Space New Mexico? Wikipedia seems to think there is no space New Mexico, but since that is obviously not true, it looks like I just debunked all of Wikipedia. You can’t trust that crap.
Where was I? Oh right. Lasers. So, anyway, to make a long story short, I had a grand adventure and treasure hunt in the great American desert, found my spirit animal, and escaped a shady cabal of cyber thugs by jumping off a building to grab onto a helicopter piloted by…. oh, lets say Elrood. Elrood is a totally believable helicopter pilot. He has a goatee and everything. He probably obtained the chopper through his affiliations with a secret organization dedicated to freedom, etc., and learned I was in peril through time travel messenger cats. Didn’t I mention the cats? No? Eh, we’re just going to roll with this.
…. Yeah, okay I’ll stop now. The real reason? Things are going nuts. Things are going to change in my life. I can feel it, deep down in the pits of my stomach, and it’s kinda hard to deal with all that when you’re already bogged down with massive mountains of soul crushing work looming on the horizon. I’m obviously not going to go into extreme detail on this, mainly because I’m no longer a teenager and as thus feel less of a need to mope endlessly to the world on the internet. Here’s a random thought: is Myspace still a thing? I want to think Myspace is no longer a thing.
Anyway, bear with me here. We’ll get through this content-less spell, together.